Is this the moment that I continue? That the pain has become so bearable that it no longer touches. That I'm getting older this month than you were. I search all over my body, physically and emotionally, but the pain is no longer there. It feels peaceful and weird at the same time, you have not been there for so long and it is great. I once wrote a song about it called "For The Better". The song is a retrospective to the last moment in the hospital where we knew you were going and we had to say goodbye, but we could also say goodbye. That it was better that way; you were allowed to let go of the pain and take your place in a new existence. As if that may happen again; you are not physically there, not for so long and it is fine that way. Because in the meantime.
In the meantime we have done so much together. Your dirty stink feet during a meditation. Your inspiration and wisdom from your side of life. Your beautiful smile when I close my eyes and see you in front of me. The jokes that you still occasionally know how to play. The beautiful house where Rati and I live in and how you helped us in that direction of Rijswijk. And your business ability with which you have always helped my brother in his time as a gardener and now also me. How to put beautiful people on my path and still fool me when I'm stubborn again. You are so proud of my sister and the education that she is doing just as well as her work as a nurse. Not to mention your love for my mother, how you have expressed so many times that you are so close to her.
This writing touches me, no sorrow, no loss either, but just very grateful that I can and may feel this. My buddy Gert-Jan, who is just sending me a message, today is the birthday of his dad who has not been around for so long. It is special to see how lives can be so intertwined. You can call it coincidence - but there is little beauty in coincidence. Surprise lies precisely in those small connections that may arise when we come together as people. And that does not necessarily have to be in the physical. Sometimes precisely in ways that we do not understand, cannot contain with our ratio and logic. Love is a mystery!
This month I will catch up with you, another year will be on my count. No example for me how to get older from this point, but that is no longer important either. Because you are there for me, together we just continue and we can share in our success. Because even though you are not there, it is not love that has overcome, but love!