I listen to “Sphere of Innocence” by Allan Holdsworth, tears find their way down my cheeks - Allan's music, especially this song, touches me so deeply in my soul. Somewhere I allow few people to visit, perhaps no one. Only I myself may occasionally take a look there, allow myself to go so deep inside and feel. Who I am, what I want to express, my light and love. My vulnerability and sensitivity. Maybe you recognise this yourself; that it doesn't matter much that another person doesn't know you fully, but do you allow yourself to really know yourself?
Is sensitivity a weakness?
I am now 45 years old and still learning about myself on a daily basis, although there was a nice movement in that recently. The whole notion of High Sensitivity, being an hsp-er has never been foreign to me but I always brought up the subject of mediumship in the process. But high sensitivity does not necessarily have anything to do with it. You can be highly sensitive and not be a medium, but a medium is usually highly sensitive. Mediumship was tangible for me, and became so through the many consultations, but the idea of ‘being highly sensitive’ always remained in the shadows. I still saw that more as a weakness. Maybe you recognise this yourself and fall back on what others said to you or about you; just do, don't be so hypersensitive, come on you are a ...... and on and on.
Lower your defences
You already see what is happening; you mirror others! This is also why transactional analysis is such a powerful methodology because it looks at the different roles you play. Maybe you treat yourself as your father or mother and you hear that little voice in the back of your head directing what you should do and how you should feel. Isn't it time to give in to who you really are? This is not an easy process I can tell you. Because all those layers and behaviours that are so familiar to you may only be in defence and protection of your own vulnerability and sensitivity. But does this behaviour still serve you?
What do you want and what do you need?
Easier said than done! To discover what you want, you have to dig deep inside yourself, as I mostly do with music. I pick up my guitar or listen to artists who touch me very deeply. It is then not about why, but simply that it happens! You can be touched by the blue sky, a cloud, a flower, a butterfly, etc.. Because when you are touched, you get in touch with your vulnerability and that is what it takes to recognise what you need in life. You can then quietly listen to your own needs and use your sensitivity to feel what is good for you.
Make sure you feel safe
When you are highly sensitive this is quite a task. Not only do you feel everything more intensely, it therefore also seems as if that wall you are allowed to let down is heavier and thicker than for others. The reward is great, but it also takes a lot out of you because your sensitivity puts everything you feel under a magnifying glass. So NO! You are not adjusting! I cannot explain crying over a song by Holdsworth that I have heard so incredibly many times; but you don't have to. That song is like a key that opens a door to myself, my deepest innermost being. The music gives me safety, and so you too may go and find out what is safe for you to enter.
Let your sensitivity determine direction
At times like this, I also always wonder; could I not always be so vulnerable, so open to life. Ideally, I would wholeheartedly ‘yes‘ want to answer but then there is also another bit of fear that comes up. Because high sensitivity also means that you are an exception to the rule; you are literally different from the 80% of the population who are not. The masses don't know what it's like to be highly sensitive and so also consider; if you are already struggling to be yourself, how are they supposed to deal with it? My sensitivity is therefore also a compass to guide me towards my destination, towards those moments when I am allowed to be myself fully.
Sometimes this is with music, but increasingly with people and even animals who do sense me and give me space so that I can be myself. Because high sensitivity is a creative force, an empathy and imagination that knows no limits. So show it where it is appreciated and be careful not to let others waltz over it with boorish behaviour or silly comments. You can be there and your sensitivity can have a place in your life!
